After being Procrastination Patty for the past few weeks, I've finally started plowing through my To-Do List (or should I say To-Do Pile?). I'm not the type to just gently work my way thought my hefty workload, rather I bulldoze through it all in a matter of hours. In the past 12 hours, I've addressed and mailed ALL my wedding invitations, payed all my bills, cleaned my kitchen, wrote three recipes, vacuumed my entire apartment, took Jane to a job interview deep in the valley, and even found time for a coital interlude. A very successful 12 hours, indeed. Did I mention I did all of this completely sober with nary an energy drink in sight? I think sometimes I have crack in my bloodstream. Oh well, at least it's all done.
I find it odd because as a teenager, I was the biggest lazy ass on the planet. My room looked like a tornado blew threw a pizza restaurant but somehow managed to miss all the glass bongs sitting by the windowsill. I made my bed maybe a total of 10 times. My mom's cleaning lady even devoutly refused to even clean my room following the time she found a rotting grilled cheese sandwich inside my closet. How it got there? I have no idea. But I'm not very well versed in any topic dealing with "in the closet", so I have a get-out-of-jail-free pass on that one.
I was going to continue on the topic of how I morphed from stoner slob to neat freak, but I was just reminded of a lovely story that pertains to the previously mentioned cleaning lady. Ok. Here we go. So, one night my friends and I are passing around the bong when there's a little accident. The bowl breaks off from the glass down stem, which left me with only a clear glass tube that was shattered on one end. My stupid ass left the glass tube on the table, then I headed off to work.
When my cleaning lady found the clear glass tube, she ran up to my mother and screamed "Jennifer's smoking crack! I know it! This is a crack pipe!"
My mom, of course, goes ape shit, and leaves me the following voicemail:
Mom: "Jennifer, there is something I don't like going on at this house, and that something is CRACK COCAINE!". Don't try to lie to me. I know exactly what you're up to. You are going to rehab immediately. You and all your crack head friends need help, and I'm going to be the one to save you! "
I receive the voicemail, and and completely confused as I've never even seen crack before in my life. I rush home to find my mom holding the glass tube, then I just bust up laughing. I hold the broken tube up to the bowl piece, and my mom almost cries tears of relief.
That was a typical day when I was 17. I'm happy to report that my mother and I now have a much more fruitful relationship based on love and trust.
Alright. Food time.
For the Beignets
- 5 TBSP Vegan Margarine, cut into small pieces
- 1 tsp Yellow Mustard Powder
- 2 tsp Cajun Blast or other Creole Seasoning
- 1/2 tsp Kosher Salt or more if needed (to taste)
- 1/8 tsp Cayenne Pepper
- Freshly Cracked Black Pepper, to taste
- 1 cup Water
- 1 heaping cup Flour
- 1 cup MImicCreme mixed with 8 TBSP "Egg" Mix
- 1/2 cup shredded Daiya Mozzarella Cheese
- 1/2 cup Dr. Cow's Tree Nut Cheese, finely grated
- Peanut Oil, enough for frying
In a medium saucepan over medium heat, combine the vegan margarine, mustard powder, Cajun Blast and pepper. Add the 1 cup of water, then bring to a boil. Using a wooden spoon, add all the flour and quickly beat the ingredients together until the form a ball that doesn't stick to the sides of the pan.
Leaving the burner on, remove the pan from heat and beat in half of the MimicCreme/"Egg" Mix mixture until completely combined. Place the pan back over the burner and incorporate the rest of the MimicCreme/"Egg" Mix mixture, then remove from heat again and beat until a smooth dough is formed.
Return to the stove top again and cook, stirring frequently, for 1-2 minutes until the dough is shining and smooth. Cool slightly, then beat in both cheeses.
Pour about 3 inches of oil into a deep pot or deep fryer, then heat to 375 degrees F. Working in batches, drop about a rounded teaspoon of dough into the hot oil. Fry, flipping once, until the beignets are puffed up and evenly browned on all sides, about 3-4 minutes.
Place on a paper-towel lined plate to drain prior to serving.
- 1 cup Vegan Mayo
- 1/2 cup Vegan Sour Cream
- 1/4 c Dijon Mustard
- 1 TBSP French White Vinegar
- 1/2 cup loosely packed Fresh Dill
- 1/4 cup Olive Oil
- Salt and Freshly Cracked Black Pepper, to taste
First, add the garlic to the food processor and pulse a few times to mince. Then, combine all of the rest of the ingredients except the olive oil in the food processor. Turn the machine on and blend for a few moments, then scrape down the sides of the food processor with a spatula. Turn the machine on again, and with the machine running, slowly pour in the olive oil until fully incorporated. Taste for salt and pepper.