Vegan Chipotle Chocolate Chip Cookies For My Mom's Birthday...

Happy Birthday to mi madre! That's right...today is the day my family celebrates the birth of our matriarchal glue: KarenShaggy. I love my mother so much that I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn to bake her my veganized rendition of her Chocolate Chip Cookies. I made a special batch with a little kick just to satisfy my need to do everything a little bit jazzed-up. 

One of my favorite birthday pastimes is researching the significant events that happened historically on the same day of their birth. What some may not know about my mother is that she, much more than most, can be linked in inconspicuous ways to these monumental occurrences. 

Exhibit A: September 14th, 1982 Lebanon's president-elect, Bashir Gemayel, was killed by a bomb. What many fail to realize is that mother, Bashir's 4th woman on the side, had to break off their torrid love affair because she'd fallen for my father and was now engaged to be his wife. My mother had met the ruggedly handsome Bashir when mistaken for a Palestinian during her first trip to Israel. After her placement in the Tel al-Zaatar refugee camp, Bashir whisked her away to safety when he became entranced by her pasty, white skin. He called her his "little porcelain Barbie without a Camaro". Bashir actually committed suicide by dropping the bomb on his own headquarters, although most blame Habib Shartouni of the Syrian Social Nationalist Party to be responsible for his death. 

Exhibit B: September 14th, 1972 The popular television series, "The Waltons", made it's network television debut on CBS. It was, in fact, no fluke that this occurred on my mother's birthday. She became founder and president of the David W. Harper (aka Jim-Bob Walton) Fan Club after falling for his deep, brown eyes and gapped-tooth grin in the 1971 TV movie "The Homecoming: A Christmas Story". She trekked across the USA by hitchhiking a ride on Ken Kesey's infamous bus, Further. She stood side by side with the Merry Pranksters, naked and tripping face on LSD outside of CBS studios. She protested until network execs agreed to premier the show on her special day. 

Exhibit C: September 14th, 1973 President Richard Nixon signed into law a measure lifting the pro-football blackout. Following her first successful nude protest, my mother took it upon her shoulders to rally all women that longed for tight-pant-clad man-booties all piled up and sweaty on the fake grass. Together, these radical un-feminists marched Capitol Hill in the buff, waving posters depicting lewd photographs of the NFLs finest, until Nixon finally caved. My mother cracked open a 40 oz with Tricky Dick himself, explaining that his only concession need be the return of pro football on her 18th birthday. 

These are but a few examples, but it's clear to see that my mother's special day not only falls on the anniversary of special events...it is a special event to the entire world. Without my mother, we would still have Palestinian refugees, "The Waltons" may have never existed, and pro football may never have made its triumphant return. 

Mom, I love you. The world is a better place because you exist.

 

Vegan Chipotle Chocolate Chip Cookies

• 2 1/4 cups Unbleached White Flour
• 1 tsp Baking Soda
• 2 tsp Egg Replacer Powder, dry
• 1 tsp Salt
• 1 cup (2 sticks) of Vegan Margarine, softened
• 3/4 cup Vegan White Sugar
• 3/4 cup Organic, Vegan Brown Sugar
• 1 tsp Pure Vanilla Extract
• 1/2 cup Vegan Heavy Cream
• 2 cups (12-oz. pkg.) Vegan Chocolate Chips
• 1-2 TBSP finely grated, dried Chipotle Pepper (optional)

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. 

Line a table or counter top with parchment paper. In a medium size bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda, egg replacer powder and salt. In the bowl of your stand mixer (or in one big-ass bowl), beat the vegan margarine, white sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract until creamy and fully combined. 

Slowly pour in the heavy cream in 1/4 cup at a time, making sure the first 1/4 cup in fully incorporated before adding the second. Scrape down the sides or your stand-mixer or bowl well. Add and mix in the flour blend in small batches until fully blended into cookie dough. 

Carefully fold in the vegan chocolate chips and grated chipotle peppers until they're evenly distributed throughout the dough. 

Drop about 12 heaping tablespoons of dough onto an un-greased baking sheet, and bake for about 10 minutes in the preheated oven. Cook times may vary based on your altitude and how crunchy you like your cookies. 

Once you take the pan out of the oven, place the baking sheet on top of cooling rack for 4-5 minutes. Then use a spatula to place the cookies on the parchment paper until cool enough to eat. These are also great frozen then reheated in the toaster or microwave.