Grilled Epazote-Rubbed Vegan Pork Loin + Nopales, Heirloom Tomato & Pepita Salsa

Last night, my Justin Bieber virginity was broken. That's right. I, for the first time, not only heard one of his songs, but saw one of his music videos. I can't say I particularly liked the song, but I did make one observation that I wanted to share: I believe Justin Bieber strongly resembles a butch teenage lesbian. Not that I'm attracted to Justin in any way, shape or form, but he would make one sexy dyke given a small (or not so small) boob job. Maybe one day he'll be featured on one of my favorite websites, Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.

On a separate note, I think maybe I've been ingesting too many soy products as my doctor told me my estrogen levels are through the roof right now.  No shock that I'm gay, but tests usually show me to have higher testosterone. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. Not only have there been some physical amplifications that I'm quite pleased with, but I actually caught myself crying to Tegan and Sara after eating 7 mini chocolate bars. Hopefully my body remedies this on it's own soon because I refuse to live 24/7/365 PMS-ing and bawling to the Indigo Girls. That should only happen for 5-6 days per month at most.

Hormonal fluctuations aside, I've been a very busy lady promoting a girls-who-like-girls club night, MaNiC. Our kick-off event was nothing short of successful, and this week will be even better. If you're a lady-loving-lady and live in the Los Angeles area, come check it out. This week's theme is "Anonymous Numbers Night". You'll have the chance to anonymously describe a woman you think is sexy, then write your number next to the description and drop the note in a fish bowl.  The numbers will be doled out after midnight, and being the little Yente that I am, we are hoping to create some happy couples. Special shout-out to my homeslice QuarryGirl for doing a post to help us promote.

Have a great week!

Grilled Epazote-Rubbed Vegan Pork Loin with Nopales, Heirloom Tomato & Pepita Salsa

For the "Pork" Loin...

• 1 batch of Vegan Pork (recipe follows), made in one large, loin-shaped piece or Vegan Roast
• 1 TBSP Kosher Salt
• 3 TBSP Ground Cumin
• 2 TBSP Dried Epazote
• 1 TBSP Chili Powder
• 1/2 TBSP Paprika
• 3/4 tsp Ground Allspice
• 3/4 tsp Freshly Cracked Black Pepper

For the Salsa...

• 1 lb Nopales (Cactus Leaf), prepared and diced* 
• 4 small or 3 large Heirloom Tomatoes, diced
• 4 cloves Garlic, minced
• 1/2 medium Red Onion, finely chopped
• Handful of Pumpkin Seeds
• 1 bunch of fresh Cilantro, chopped
• Juice of 1 lime
• Juice of 1 small Lemon or 1/2 large
• 1/8 cup Olive Oil
• Salt and Pepper, to taste

*JennShaggy's Kitchen Tip: When it comes to preparing cactus pads, make sure to select small to medium-sized, firm pads. You don't want them to be wrinkly or soft. When you're ready to prepare the cactus pads, put on a pair of rubber gloves. The thorny needles must be removed with a knife or vegetable peeler prior to dicing. Also remove any nodules, the thick stem, and trim any edges off the pad as well. Wash thoroughly after prepared, prior to dicing.


First, make the salsa by combining all of the ingredients and tasting for salt and pepper. Refrigerate until ready to use.

Second, make the rub for the "pork" loin by combining the kosher salt, cumin, epazote, chili powder, paprika, allspice and pepper in a bowl and mixing throughly. Rub the "pork" loin all over with the spice blend (you may not need to use all of the spice blend), then wrap the loin up in plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator for 3-4 hours.

Preheat your grill (or grill pan if cooking indoors) to high heat. Unwrap the "pork" loin, then grill over the hot heat for 7 to 10 minutes on each side.

To serve, slice the loin into 1-inch-thick slices, then top with a few spoonfuls of the cactus salsa.

Pork Chop Style Seitan

“Pork Chop” Seitan Dough:

• 1 cup Vital Wheat Gluten
• 1 cup prepared No Chicken Broth
• 1 TBSP Vegan Heavy Cream

“Pork Chop” Broth:

• 4 cups prepared No Chicken Broth
• 1 cup Vegan Heavy Cream
• 1/8 cup Tamari
• 1/2 TBSP Better Than Bouillon® No Beef Broth Paste
• 1 cup Pineapple Coconut Nectar (or Apple Juice)
• 1/2 tsp Ground Ginger
• 1/2 tsp 5 Spice Powder
• 2 tsp Garlic Powder
• 1 tsp Shallot Powder
• 4 whole Cloves, ground
• 3 points broken off of a Whole Star Anise
• 1 tsp Kosher Salt
• 1 tsp Sugar
• 1 additional cup Water

Take all of the “Pork Chop” Broth ingredients and mix them together in a very large pot. Bring to a boil.

Next, make your “Pork Chop” Dough by mixing and kneading the vital wheat gluten, water/bouillon blend, and heavy cream until it's completely mixed. It will be a little more wet than most seitan dough recipes. Don’t let this scare you. Squeeze out the excess liquid, and form the mixture into a ball. On a cutting board, roll the seitan into one large "loin-shaped" piece, then drop it into the pot.

Cover the pot, reduce heat to simmer, and let the seitan cook for about an hour, stirring every 10-15 minutes.

Use a slotted spoon to remove the "Pork Loin," and place into a colander to drain and cool until ready to use.