Vegan Veal Sliders with Artichoke & Avocado Tapenade

I embrace my reclusive, introverted side. As a Gemini, actor and blogger, I definitely have an extroverted side. While I share a lot of my life, I tend to hide my vulnerabilities . I've revealed a few of my idiosyncratic qualities here in the past. I find comfort in sharing them once I’ve realized they exist and accepted them as what makes me Jenn. Today, I'm trying something new and facing it head on with all of you: My hair style. Friends, family and even casual acquaintances know that I don't ever change my "do". The length is way past my boob line. I’ve been rocking a center since late 1986. I’ve tried moving it, but its as stubborn as I am. 

It’s also the only straight thing about me. 

On a positive note, I’m probably the only natural blonde within a 5 mile radius of Beverly Hills. My hair has been the topic of  myriad conversations with family, friends and people who offer unsolicited advice or welcome compliments. I popped out of my mother's womb with enough hair for the nurses to stick a pink bow on my head. It was the only time pink and a bow adorned my body.  

Once long enough, my parents parted it down the middle, slicked it down, and now it’s “branded” there. At an age when most teenagers dye their hair more than they lie to their parents, my best friend had to make it her mission to retrain the center part. I’d already begun developing a fear of changing my hair — it felt like such a pivotal “part” of who I am. 

My scalp vehemently protested change, too. After several determined attempts with combs, gels and even sweat bands, she eventually forced me to lay on the floor for over an hour with a pile of books holding my hair down to the left side. My hair, being the living creature that it is, took it upon itself to fall right back into place when I finally stood up. My friend waved her white flag, and I smirked with sweet satisfaction. She wasn't the last to try, and she wasn't the last to fail. 

The part is here to stay. The style, for once, is not. It took me over a decade to grow aggravated with my hair. Its a long, unruly mane that I have no clue how to style. The time has finally arrived to tame it. I have been called "Avril" one time too many. I’ve accidentally burned pieces that fall in my face on candles, while lighting a bong and over my stove. I’m sick of having make-out sessions interrupted by a lady having to spit a piece of hair out of her mouth. Food gets caught in my locks after hours in the kitchen, then gone out of my house to realize that’s why strangers are snickering at me. Enough is enough. I am cutting my hair. 

In the past, when I said I was getting a hair cut, it meant that my friends would usually ask, "Wait, you cut your hair?" after I asked them how it looked. I am scared shitless to change it, but it's something I have to do. To me, it's a dramatic change. It will probably take me about two weeks to work up the balls to actually "Do the Do", but I've made a promise to myself. I will not back out. All of you need to hold me accountable.

Okay. On to the recipe. I am a self-proclaimed Veggie Burger connoisseur. A restaurant called "Cooks Double Dutch" in Culver City makes one that tops my list. Their patties were perfectly cooked and seasoned. The buns were more perfect than J Lo's. Unfortunately, the restaurant closed. I often times don't even order a veggie burger out at restaurants even if it's my only option on the menu. I usually end up disappointed. I like my veggie burgers meaty and delicious, and I don't care what anyone thinks about that. 

To date, the only Vegetable-ish burger I like can be found at O! Burger. It is flipping amazing, and completely organic to boot. In the midst of summertime grilling season, I thought I'd try out a recipe that could seduce the hunky carnivore pool boy your aunt Gloria invites to the next family soiree. Enjoy!

 

Vegan Veal, Black Peppercorn and Basil Sliders with Artichoke & Avocado Tapenade

Vegan Veal, Black Peppercorn and Basil Burger Patties

• 1 batch Vegan Veal Chops (Recipe Follows) or sub any premade ground vegan protein you’d like.
• 1 Flax "Egg" (2 TBSP Ground Flax Seeds mixed with 2 TBSP Water)
• 1/3 cup Seasoned Bread Crumbs
• 1/8 cup Vegan Heavy Cream
• 1/4 cup fresh Basil, chopped
• 1/8 cup Shallots, finely diced
• 2 cloves Garlic, pressed or minced
• 1 1/2 TBSP Dijon Mustard
• 1 TBSP Freshly Cracked Black Pepper
• 1 tsp Truffle Oil (or Olive Oil)
• 1 1/4 tsp Kosher Salt

Additional Burger Incidentals

• 8 Shittake Mushrooms, stemmed and sliced
• 2 tsp Olive Oil
• Salt and Pepper
• 8 miniature Buns, Bagels or Dinner Rolls
• 8 slices Vine Ripened Tomatoes
• 8 small pieces Red Leaf Lettuce
• 8 slices Vegan Cheese (optional)

Chef’s note: Skip the first paragraph if you’re using a pre-made vegan protein that’s already ground, and resume with paragraph 2. I recommend adding the liquid ingredients like Heavy Cream in small increments if not making the seitan. The store bought products may need more or less moisture.  

Allow the "Veal" Chops to drain well, then dice the Chops into about 1/2 inch size pieces. Place the pieces in a food processor, and run the machine until the "Veal" is almost pureed...about 2 minutes. Move the ground "Veal" to a large bowl, and carefully drain off half of the excess liquid by pressing firmly on the ground "Veal" while tilting the bowl over a sink. 

In the same large mixing bowl, add the Flax "Egg", Breadcrumbs and Heavy Cream to the ground "Veal", and use your hands to combine well. Place in the refrigerator for 10-20 minutes to set. 

Remove the ground "Veal" mixture from the refrigerator, then add the remaining Burger Patty ingredients. Use your hands to combine well, then taste for salt. Isn’t it exciting that you can taste for adequate seasoning when it’s not raw meat?

Form the mixture into 3 in wide x 1 inch thick patties, and set aside. 

 

Preheat and lubricate (hehe) your grill. 

Take a large-ish skillet (preferably cast iron), and let it heat up first on medium-high heat. Add the 2 tsp of Olive Oil, carefully letting it heat until its hot, but not smoking. Quickly saute the Shittake Mushrooms until cooked, then season with salt and pepper. Set them aside. 

Cook each burger patty about 4-5 minutes per side, or until cooked through to your liking. At this point, I like to slightly. grill the buns over the flame while melting a small slice of Vegan Cheese on top. 

Serve patties on grilled Buns with the rest of the Burger Incidentals and the Avocado Artichoke Tapenade. 

 Avocado Artichoke Tapenade

• 1 16oz can Artichoke Hearts, drained well
• 1 small Haas Avocado
• 1/4 cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• 4 cloves fresh Garlic
• 1/2 TBSP Lemon Juice
• 1/2 TBSP Lime Juice
• Salt and Pepper, to taste

Note: You can use 1 TBSP Lemon Juice if you don't have limes lying around Puree all of the ingredients in a food processor until pureed. Taste for salt and pepper. Squeeze a little lime or lemon juice over the top, cover tightly with a lid, then place in the refrigerator until ready to use.

 Vegan Veal Chops

Seitan: 

1 1/2 cups Vital Wheat Gluten 

1 1/2 cups + 1 TBSP Water mixed with... 

1 tsp Better Than Bouillon's No Beef Broth Paste 

1 1/2 TBSP Vegan Heavy Cream 

Broth: 
- 6 cups prepared Better Than Bouillon's No Chicken Broth 
- 1/4 cup Tamari 
- 1 cup prepared Better Than Bouillon's No Beef Broth 
- 1 bottle of Dark Stout Ale 
- 1 cup Vegan Heavy Cream 
- Handful of Dried Porcini Mushrooms 
- 1 tsp Garlic Powder 
- 1 tsp Onion Powder 

Combine all of the broth ingredients in a large pot, and bring to a boil. 

While the broth is heating up, make your Seitan Dough by mixing + kneading the Vital Wheat Gluten, Water/Bouillon blend, and Heavy Cream until it's completely mixed. 

It will be a little more sticky than most seitan doughs. 

Squeeze out the excess liquid, and form the mixture into a ball. 

On a cutting board, flatten the ball out, and use kitchen shears to cut into eight "Chops". 

Before putting in boiling broth, flatten each part down by pressing it firmly between your hands, then drop them into the pot. 

Cover the pot, reduce heat to simmer, and let the seitan cook for a little over an hour, stirring every 10-15 minutes. Remove the "Chops" from the broth with a slotted spoon and place in a colander to drain/cool. 

You can reserve the broth to re-use another day. Hey..the economy is shit. We gotta get by somehow, right?