Vegan Cioppino with Roasted Crab and Fried Oregano

I used to do an occasional posting series called "Kvetch Corner". After the whole Avril Lavigne mess last year, I decided to keep my ranting to a minimum at the risk of re-offending any Brazilians and Argentinians. Something in the air today tells me I'm out of the danger zone now, so Kvetch Corner is back with a vengeance! 

What am I going to Kvetch about this week? Brazilian waxing. Yes, I put myself in the situation...allow me to explain. Fueled by curiosity, razor burn and the arrival of beach season, I decided to get a Brazilian wax last week. I, a waxing virgin, was a nervous wreck prior to the experience. They call me in. 

The waxing technician seems nice and professional. I disrobe. I lay on the table, and the woman doesn't even wait 5 seconds before slathering my nether regions with scalding hot wax and giving the strip a tremendous tug. I prepare to scream, but quickly realize "Hey! Not so terrible." 

I hear another client's name called, and they put them in the room next to me. The two waxing technicians begin speaking to each other through the wall in a language originating from Thailand or Vietnam. After sharing an unsolicited intimate experience, I chit chat with the woman on our way to the register. The Brazilian waxing veteran divulged that her technician was a novice, and mine was walking her through the steps. It wasn't only her waxing techs first time, but she would actually yell out "Ouch!" and flinch every time she ripped off a strip. 

I imagine their conversation went a little something like this... 

New Hire: "Okay, so I apply boiling hot wax, slap the strip down and pull with all of my strength in under 20 seconds?" 

Mine: "Yes. Fearlessly pull as hard as you can. Do not make eye contact." 

The New Hire technician applies waxes, strip and yanks. 

 

New Hire: (Said in English, heard through the wall.) "Ouch! That looks like it hurts." 

Mine: "Mine's a hairy little beast. How about yours?" 

New Hire: "So much hair! I have to get it all off?!" 

Mine: "Yes. Just imagine it's someone you hate." 

Then, my first waxing experience was finally over. It wasn't as painful as I imagined, but I limped a bit afterward and laughed it off. I might even try it again 10 years from now. 

While we're on the topic of down-south experience, this dish is a Veganized version of a traditional seafood dish, Cioppino. I first tried it in Florida when snow-birding with my grandparents. It's tasty and comforting. I highly recommend serving it with some linguini or other pasta of your choice. 

Vegan Cioppino with Roasted "Crab" and Fried Oregano

• 1/4 cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil, plus more for frying Oregano (about 1/2 cup)
• 1 medium Onion, finely chopped
• 6 cloves Garlic, minced or pressed
• 1 cup Organic Dry White Wine
• 2 cups Vegan Clam Juice (recipe follows)
• 2 15 oz cans Chopped Tomatoes in Juice
• 1 cup Water
• 2 Bay Leaves
• 1/2 cup tightly packed fresh Italian Parsley
• Crushed Red Pepper Flakes, to taste
• Kosher Salt, to taste
• 2 batches of Vegan Crab (recipe follows)
• 1 loosely packed cup of Fresh Oregano Leaves

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. 

Heat the olive oil in an oven-safe skillet or roasting pan (I use my Le Crueset dutch oven) over medium heat. Add the onion and Vegan Crab, then sauté for about7-9 minutes. Just before the onions are softened and the "Crab" is browning, throw in the garlic and sauté another 30-60 seconds. 

Add the white wine, then raise the heat to high and allow the mixture to boil for two minutes. 

Add in the "clam" juice, tomatoes with their juices, the 1 cup of water, bay leaves, parsley and crushed red pepper flakes, then bring to a boil. Season with salt and pepper to taste. 

Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer for 15 minutes. Transfer the skillet or pan to the preheated oven and roast for 30 minutes. 

While the cioppino is roasting in the oven, get your herb-frying oil heating in a saucepan over medium to high heat (depending on your burner strength). Once the oil is hot, carefully add the oregano leaves + a sprinkle of salt and pepper, and fry the leaves for about 45 seconds. Remove the fried oregano as quickly possible from the pan, then place on a paper-towel lined plate to drain. Serve a few leaves as a garnish on each bowl of cioppino.

 

Vegan Clam Juice

Makes 2 Cups

• 2 TBSP Vegetarian Fish Sauce
• 1/4 cup White Wine
• 1 TBSP Lemon Juice
• 1 tsp Salt
• Water (See directions below)

Whisk together the Vegetarian Fish Sauce, White Wine, Lemon Juice and Salt. Pour in enough water so that the total amount of liquid just equals two cups. Use as directed in any recipe that requires real clam juice.

 

Vegan Crab

(Makes 1 batch. You will need two batches for the Cioppino)

• 1 can Young Green Jackfruit packed in water
• 1 tsp Fresh Lemon Juice
• 1 large stalk Kombu, cut into 1 inch pieces
• 1 TBSP Dulse
• 1 1/2 cup Cold Water
• 1/2 tsp Sea Salt
• 1 tsp Mellow White Miso Paste

Drain the jackfruit as well as possible in a colander over your sink. After all the water has drained out, use your hands to break up the jackfruit into "lump crab"-size pieces, squeezing out more water as go along.

Place in an airtight container (leave the lid off for now), and set aside. 

Place the lemon juice, cold water and kombu stalk in a small saucepan, and bring the water to a boil. Allow the water to boil for a minute, then remove the saucepan from heat. 

Stir in the mellow white miso paste until fully dissolved, then add the salt and dulse. Allow the mixture to sit until it reaches room temperature. 

Once cooled, pour the dashi broth over top of the jackfruit. Make sure the jackfruit is fully submerged. 

Place in the refrigerator, and allow to marinate as long as possible. Overnight is ideal...2 hours should be the minimum. Once you're ready to use, drain the fruit well and discard the kombu and dulse.